Hooked on External Validation?

Are you always looking for external validation to feel good about yourself?

I know the feeling. You probably swing from feeling AMAZING anytime you’re praised by your boss to feeling AWFUL anytime you imagine people aren’t pleased with you. It’s a constant emotional rollercoaster ride!

If this resonates you're not alone. You have a human brain, which is programmed to seek out approval from your tribe, especially from people in power. On top of that, if you’re socialised as a woman, society has probably dropped a belief into your brain that it’s very important for people to ‘like’ you. So it makes complete sense that you seek out external validation.

Here’s the problem, if external validation is your main strategy to feel confident or capable, then you’ve made yourself totally reliant on other people to generate those feelings. That is a TERRIBLE idea. Making you feel great is not the priority of anyone you work with! And even if it was, they would still be BAD at it.

That’s because there is no amount of external praise or validation that will make you feel ‘good enough’ if you don’t really believe it yourself.

Here’s how I know that’s true. Think of the last time your boss praised you. Then try to remember how long your emotional ‘high’ lasted. How long was it before you started wondering whether your boss actually meant it (perhaps she was just in a good mood…)? How quickly did it cross your mind that she might not have known about that mistake you made yesterday (and so perhaps praise wasn’t really deserved)? How long did it take you to start worrying about how you’re going to live up to all these new expectations?

You get my point. External validation is just a temporary dopamine hit. It feels good in the moment, but your brain will quickly take you back to your habitual thought-patterns. 

So what IS the solution?

Well, it’s definitely NOT trying to find a boss who gives you a constant stream of positive affirmations Good luck with that! Also, for my perfectionists out there, the solution is NOT to try and do everything so perfectly that you never get any bad feedback...

The solution is to take a look at your own brain.

What are you trying to avoid when you seek out external validation? Is it relief from all of you own negative self-talk? Do you have a constant stream of: “I don’t know how to do this” …“I’m not as good as them”….”I should have done a better job”?

If so, it’s no wonder you look outside of yourself for validation and support! But it’s not their job to give that to you. That’s the work you need to do.

Start by taking a little time to notice how you speak to yourself.

If you’re interested in learning more about how to change your self-talk and get rid of your urge for external validation, just click THIS LINK to learn more about working with me.